living together before marriage essay

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Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage

Table of contents, the case for living together before marriage, concerns and counterarguments, alternative approaches: pre-marital counseling, striking a balance.

• Booth, A., Johnson, D. R., White, L. K., & Edwards, J. N. (1985). Divorce and Marital Instability over the Life Course. Journal of Family Issues, 6(4), 451-482.
• Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2010). Should I stay or should I go? Predicting dating relationship stability from four aspects of commitment. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(5), 543-550.
• Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding versus Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect. Family Relations, 55(4), 499-509.
• Wallerstein, J. S., & Lewis, J. M. (2004). The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. Hyperion.
• Whitehead, B. D., & Popenoe, D. (2002). Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage. National Marriage Project.

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Should You Live Together Before Marriage? Real Talk From Experts

Say hello to your new roomie.

But that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. As with most relationship issues, when it comes to deciding whether you should cohabitate before marriage, it all depends on the individuals involved. So to help you weigh the pros and cons, I chatted with two relationship experts. Here’s what to know.

Living together before marriage definitely comes with some advantages.

“Going from living on your own terms to sharing a place with someone can be simultaneously fun and extraordinarily challenging,” says Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., a sex and relationships expert in NYC. “Sharing a space can bring up a lot of issues and put your relationship to the test: You get a crash course in cooperation, negotiation, your ability to put someone's needs and tastes above or equal to your own. These are all relationship experiences that you should have prior to getting married.”

Megan Fleming, Ph.D., an NYC-based sex and relationship therapist, agrees, adding that living with someone and spending nearly 24/7 with them means you'll have a chance to really, truly see their priorities and values, as well as how those line up with yours . It’s like a practice run for what your everyday life might be like if you do decide to get married down the road.

Another important point it brings up: how you align on the topic of sex. “It gives you a sense of how attuned you are to each others’ sexual needs , in terms of both frequency and quality,” Fleming says. “Sex is a small part of a relationship when it’s going well. When it’s not going well, it’s a big part of a relationship.”

One study also shows that people who cohabitated with their S.O. self-reported higher physical and mental health than those who didn’t live with their lover (married couples also reported higher health) . So check off the box for cohabitors being happier with their bodies and mind, too.

What are the disadvantages of living together before marriage?

Levkoff doesn't list any major cons to cohabitating with your partner pre-marriage—she’s a big proponent. But Fleming mentions that marriage usually means more of a commitment than living together, which likely translates to people putting in more of an effort with that level of loyalty compared to simply sharing a shelter.

On the other hand, when you’re dating and you do start to intertwine your lives by moving in together, it’s more difficult to break it off if you need to, Fleming says. This could be one of the reasons research shows that although living with your partner before marriage leads to more success in the first year, down the line, it can actually increase the risk of divorce .

Researchers aren’t sure why this is, but Fleming says it could be that after you move in together, you may realize it’s too tough to cut ties, so you get married instead. Years later, you might decide it’s not for you and bam, divorce . So the key to avoiding divorce down the line could be figuring out your level of commitment to the relationship even before you share a front door.

Fleming also says this research could be outdated, particularly since it’s more acceptable nowadays to live with your partner before marriage than it was years ago (although the research was published in 2018, it's based on data from 1970 to 2015). So many factors play into these divorce rates, too—including age, religion, whether it’s your first marriage, whether you lived with someone before, and so on.

And to top off the confusion on the science, the research looks at the success of a marriage as simply staying together, when of course what really matters is happiness in the marriage , Fleming says.

“Statistics can be helpful in some ways, but really, you have to know yourself,” says Fleming. “Relationships are an effort, so you have to work at it,” whether you’re living together sans rings or married.

Is there anything else I should know before deciding to live with my partner?

Well, you might want to have a convo about why each of you wants to move in together, Levkoff says.

“ It's always important to know if you are on the same page ," she adds. "And if you are not, at least you can manage your own expectations accordingly."

Bring up the convo as soon as you feel ready and you’re up for the discussion. It doesn’t necessarily matter how long you’ve been together (though, LBH, month one seems a little early)—just as long as you feel ready to talk about it. You can also make it super-casual, asking things like, “Have you ever lived with someone?” or “Have you ever wanted to live with someone?” These Qs will at least start the discussion.

Keep in mind, you likely want to consider living together a true commitment—a pledge from both parties that you’re in this relationship and ready to work on it—rather than a convenience, says Fleming. In other words, don’t let your bank account drive your decision to cohabitate . “It’s more important to make your decision based on your partner, rather than rent,” Fleming says.

You might also want to chat about a few things before you sign that lease, like your individual expectations of a shared living space—things like who might need more alone time or privacy (say, if you’re an introvert and your partner is not), as well as cleanliness (a common source of tension).

The goal for these discussions: Figure out your non-negotiables—what you can deal with on the daily, and what might lead to a break up , says Fleming.

Ask yourself, “What do I want from my partner and my life?” And then talk to your partner about your answer to figure out if you envision your futures playing out similarly. “You want to help each other grow as a couple, but also as individuals,” Fleming adds. To do that, you need to devote more time and energy to making things work, rather than just moving in together on a whim and seeing how things go.

So, should you live together before marriage?

Ultimately, experts say you and your partner should just do you, because everyone is different.

Just remember: A shared roof may not take the place of a marriage license, says Levkoff. “Moving in shouldn't be a replacement for marriage, if marriage is what you want. It should be a stepping stone,” she explains. That means if someone is saying yes to living together just to put off marriage talks, that doesn’t necessarily bode well for the future. So talk about it.

Moving in with someone, especially if you both have hopes of getting married, is all about blending your lives and bringing together things you both enjoy—creating a “couple identity,” as Levkoff says. So just make sure everyone is on the same page about what the next step means, before you sign the housing papers .

Mallory Creveling, an ACE-certified personal trainer and RRCA-certified run coach, joined the Runner's World and Bicycling team in August 2021. She has more than a decade of experience covering fitness, health, and nutrition. As a freelance writer, her work appeared in Women's Health, Self, Men's Journal, Reader's Digest, and more. She has also held staff editorial positions at Family Circle and Shape magazines, as well as DailyBurn.com . A former New Yorker/Brooklynite, she's now based in Easton, PA.

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5 Pros and Cons of Living Together Before Marriage

With a rich background in Counseling Psychology and Pedagogy, I am a licensed psychologist and certified coach dedicated to empowering individuals on their journey to a fulfilling... Read More

Rachael Pace inspires with motivational articles on loving partnerships. She encourages making room for love and facing challenges together.

In This Article

Today, couples deciding on living together before marriage are no longer a surprise unlike before.

After a few months of dating, most couples would rather test the waters and move in together. Some have other reasons they choose to start living with someone before marriage.

Certified coach Silvana Mici says,

Living together allows partners to gain insights into each other’s habits, routines, and lifestyle preferences. This can help assess compatibility and identify potential areas of conflict before committing to marriage. On the other hand, living together may create societal or familial pressure to get married, which can strain the relationship. The external expectation of marriage may influence the couple’s decisions and add stress to the relationship.

In this article, we’ll explore cohabitation pros and cons, and how you can prepare if you decide to move in with your partner.

What is meant by living together/cohabitation?

The definition of cohabitation or living together cannot be found in legal books. However, living together as a couple means an arrangement the couple makes to live together. Cohabitation involves more than sharing just the accommodation.

There is no clarity in legal terms as there is for marriage. Cohabitation usually is agreed upon when the couple shares an intimate relationship.

Living together before marriage– A safer option?

Today, most people are practical, and more and more people are opting to move in with their partners rather than plan a wedding and be together. Some couples who decide to move in together don’t even consider getting married yet.

Here are some of the reasons why couples move in together: 

1. It’s more practical

A couple may come to an age where moving in together before marriage makes more sense than paying twice for rent. It’s being with your partner and saving money simultaneously — practical. 

2. The couple can get to know each other better

Some couples think it’s time to step a notch in their relationship and move in together. It’s preparing for their long-term relationship. This way, they get to know more about each other before they choose to get married. Safe play. 

3. It’s a good option for people who don’t believe in marriage

Moving in with your partner because you or your lover doesn’t believe in marriage. Some people think that marriage is only for formality, and there’s no reason for it other than giving you a hard time if they call it quits. 

4. The couple won’t have to go through a messy divorce if they break up

Divorce rates are high , and we’ve seen the harsh reality of it. Some couples who know this first hand, whether with their family members or even from a past relationship, will no longer believe in marriage. 

For these people, divorce is such a traumatic experience that even if they can love again, considering marriage is no longer an option.

5. Build a stronger relationship

Another reason couples choose cohabitation before marriage is to help them strengthen their bond. Some couples believe you’ll only get to know your partner when you start living together. 

By living together, they can spend more time together and build a stronger foundation for their relationship.

This opportunity also gives them the time and opportunity to share experiences, daily routines, and practices, be able to take care of each other and spend their lives as a couple. They would also learn how to deal with issues and even misunderstandings.

5 pros and cons of living together before marriage

Is living together before marriage a good idea? Do you know what you and your partner are getting yourselves into?

We need to know the marriage vs. living together pros and cons so that we can weigh in if we should do it or not. Are you ready to know whether you should live together before marriage?

Let’s dig deeper into the pros and cons of choosing to live with your partner.

There are many living together before marriage pros. 

Check out the benefits of living together before marriage or the reasons why living together before marriage is a good idea:

1. Moving in together is a wise decision — financially

You get to share everything, such as paying the mortgage, splitting your bills, and even having time to save if you ever want to tie the knot anytime soon. If marriage is not part of your plans just yet— you will have extra money to do what you like. 

2. Division of chores

Chores are no longer being taken care of by one person. Moving in together means you get to share household chores . Everything is shared, so there is hopefully less stress and more time to rest.

3. It’s like a playhouse

You get to try what it’s like living as a married couple without the papers. 

This way, if things don’t work out, just leave, and that’s it. This has become an appealing decision for most people nowadays. No one wants to spend thousands of dollars and deal with counseling and hearings just to get out of the relationship. 

4. Test the strength of your relationship

The ultimate test in living together is to check if you’re going to work out or not. Being in love with a person is different than living with them. 

It’s a whole new thing when you have to live with them and be able to see their habits if they are messy in the house, if they will do their chores or not. It’s basically living with the reality of having a partner.

5. It lessens marriage stress

What Is Marriage stress and why does it belong to the benefits of living together before marriage?

When you prepare for your marriage, you must worry about many things. It would help if you planned moving into another home, changing habits and how you budget, and so much more.

If you are already living together, then it’s one of the advantages living together before marriage can give you. You are already acquainted with a married couple’s setup, so it lessens the stress.

While living together before marriage may seem appealing, there are also some not-so-good areas to consider.

So, should couples live together before marriage? Remember, every couple is different.

While there are benefits, there are also consequences depending on the kind of relationship that you’re in. There will be times when you’d contemplate the reasons why living together before marriage is a bad idea. Know below this is a bad idea:

1. The reality of finances isn’t as rosy as you expected

Expectations hurt, especially when you think about having shared bills and chores. Even if you choose to live together to be more financially practical, you might get into a bigger headache when you find yourself with a partner who thinks you’ll shoulder all the finances. 

2. Getting married doesn’t remain as significant

Couples who move in together are less likely to decide to get married. Some have kids and have no time to settle into marriage or become so comfortable that they’d think they no longer need a paper to prove they are working out as a couple. 

3. Live-in couples don’t work as hard to save their relationship

An easy way out, this is the most common reason why people living together do get separated over time. They will no longer work hard to save their relationship because they are not bonded by marriage. 

4. False commitment

False commitment is one term to use with people who would rather choose to live together for good rather than tie the knot. Before you start a relationship, you need to know the meaning of real commitment, and part of this is getting married.

5. Live-in couples are not entitled to the same legal rights

One disadvantage of living together before marriage is that when you’re not married, you don’t have some of the rights a married person has, especially when dealing with certain laws.

Now that you know the pros and cons of living together before marriage, would you decide to do it or wait until you’re married? 

5 ways to know you are ready for marriage after living together

You’ve lived together for a couple of months, or maybe a few years, and you know that living together before marriage worked out for you. The next phase is asking yourself, “ Are we ready to get married ?”

Here are five ways to know you’re ready to tie the knot.

1. You trust and respect each other

Indeed, living together will teach you how to trust and respect each other. You learn how to work as a team, solve problems, and show your vulnerability to your partner.

Like when you are married, you learn how to rely on and help each other through the good and bad times. Even without the legalities, most couples who live together treat each other as spouses.

You will also experience trials that will test your love, trust, and respect for each other. If you surpass these challenges and feel like your bond strengthens, that’s a good sign.

2. You love living together

One of the benefits of cohabitation before marriage is that you’ve had a taste of what it would be like to live under one roof. You have their habits, know if they snore, and maybe even have petty fights about these.

No matter how chaotic your few months together are and how much you’ve adjusted, thinking about living together permanently puts a smile on your face.

If you enjoy waking up with your partner each day, and can’t imagine anything else, then you’re ready to tie the knot.

3. You feel excited about starting your own family

Have you been living together before marriage? Do people often tell you that you’re perfect and you just need to tie the knot?

If you talk about marriage and kids, you feel excited. Sometimes, even without realizing it, you plan to have kids and build your own family.

You have fulfilled your honeymoon bucket list, spent so much time together, and you are in the phase where you want to make it formal and have kids as well. You’re ready to have those sleepless nights and messy but beautiful homes with kids. 

4. You feel that you’re all set to move forward

After a couple of months of living together, have you talked about marriage, buying a home, investments, and getting different insurance to excite you?

Well, congratulations, you are all set to move forward together. You will know when the right time is, it’s when your goals change. From date nights to future homes and cars, these mean that you’re both ready to move forward.

Living together before marriage gives you that chance to experience and realize these even before saying, “ I do .”

5. You know you’ve found the one

Sure, there are also many disadvantages of living together before marriage, but one thing that makes living together great is that you’ll be able to see if you’re meant for each other.

All those trials, happy memories, and growth you’ve experienced while living together have made both of you sure about your decision. You know you want to spend your whole life with this person .

Marriage will just be legality, but you know you are already meant for each other.

5 ways to prepare for living together before marriage

Many will tell you why couples should not live together before marriage, but again, this is your choice, and as long as you are prepared, you can choose to live together even if you’re not married yet.

Speaking of preparedness, how do you prepare for this? Here are five ways that can help you prepare to live together as a couple:

1. Go and set rules

Living together before marriage is not a game. You are both grown-ups that choose to live together under one roof. This means it’s just right that you create rules.

Create rules that will work for both of you. Take time and discuss each one; better if you could write them on paper.

Include dividing chores, how many appliances you can have, where you need to spend your holidays and even your pet peeves inside the home.

Of course, this is when you will also discover habits that may not make you happy. This is also the time to talk about that and start agreeing on your terms.

2. Talk and be clear with your goals

Don’t be shy to add this topic when discussing living together before marriage. Remember, this is your life.

Talk about what you expect when moving in together. Is this to live like a married couple? Maybe you just want to save money and it’s more convenient? It’s better to be clear about expectations and goals to avoid misunderstanding .

3. Inform your family

Don’t forget to inform your families about your decision to cohabitate. They have a right to know that their family member is making a huge life decision.

Also, you’ll have to talk and be with them at some point. It would be a great thing if they would both support you in your decision. This also reduces the risk of any issues arising from keeping your decision secret.

There’s nothing wrong with living together, but it’s just right that you inform the people closest to you as a form of respect.

4. Budget together

Expert marriage counseling advice always recommends discussing your finances before moving in together. This will be a very important aspect of your life as a couple.

This would include, but would not be limited to your monthly budget, financial allocation, savings, emergency funds, debts, and so much more.

By discussing your finances beforehand, you prevent money issues from arising. This will also help you work things out, especially if one earns more than the other.

5. Communicate

Here is one of the most important foundations of lasting relationships – communication. Make sure that before you decide on living together, you already have firm and open communication .

It won’t work out if you don’t. Communication is crucial in any relationship, especially when planning to move in and live together.

Everything we have discussed boils down to open and honest communication with your partner.

Terri Cole, a licensed psychotherapist and leading global expert in female empowerment, tackles defensiveness and the inability to communicate. 

Some commonly asked questions

Living together before getting married can raise many questions in your mind. Here are the answers to some such questions: 

What percentage of couples break up after moving in together?

According to recent studies, 40 – 50% of couples who opted to live together before marriage had difficulties or issues they couldn’t resolve. These couples parted ways after living together for a few months.

However, let it be clear that every situation is different. It still depends on how you and your partner would work on your relationship. Ultimately, it’s still up to both of you if you will work on your differences or give up.

How long should couples wait to move in together?

You get excited about everything involving your partner when you are in love. This is also the case with moving in together.

While it may sound like the perfect idea, don’t rush living together before marriage, it’s better if the two of you will at least give yourselves ample time to get ready.

Enjoy dating for a year or two, get to know each other first, and when you feel like you’re both ready, you can talk about living together.

Does living together before marriage lead to divorce?

Choosing to live together before getting married may decrease the chances of divorce.

This is because living together allows you and your partner to check your compatibility, how you handle challenges as a couple, and how you build your relationship before getting married.

Since you already know these factors before getting married, the fewer chances of it being one reason for divorce. This will, of course, depend on the couple and their unique situation.

Final takeaway

Being in a relationship isn’t easy, and with all the issues that can arise, some would just test it out rather than jump into marriage. There is no guarantee that choosing to live together before you get married will guarantee a successful union or a perfect marriage after that.

Coach Mici adds,

Living together offers an opportunity for continuous conversation. Use this time to learn about each other, share your needs, and practice the art of listening. Effective communication is the cornerstone of a successful relationship, whether living together or married.

Whether you test your relationship for years before getting married or have chosen marriage over living together, the quality of your marriage will still depend on both of you. It takes two people to achieve a successful partnership in life. Both people in the relationship should compromise , respect, be responsible, and love each other for their union to succeed.

No matter how open-minded our society is today, no couple should disregard how important marriage is. There’s no problem in living together before marriage. Some of the reasons behind this decision are rather practical and true. However, every couple should still consider getting married soon.

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Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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Living Together Before Marriage

Here's what to consider before moving in together

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program.

Verywell / Theresa Chiechi

• Reasons Couples Live Together
• Factors to Consider
• Potential Effects
• Pros and Cons

Living together before marriage was once considered taboo; however, it has become more common and accepted over time. If you’ve been seeing your partner and things are going well, moving in together may cross your mind.

Moving in with your partner is a significant step because it marks a major progression in the relationship, says Sabrina Romanoff , PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University in New York City.

At a Glance

Living together before marriage is common for many couples, but there are important pros and cons to consider. Cohabitating can help you get to know one another more and figure out if you are truly compatible, but moving in together for the wrong reasons can lead to bigger problems down the road. Keep reading to learn more about some factors to consider while deciding whether to live with your partner before marriage and some potential advantages and disadvantages of this arrangement.

Reasons for Living Together Before Marriage

There are a variety of reasons why people opt to live together before they decide to make a long-term commitment. Research has found that the primary reasons couples choose to live together are to spend more time together, to share expenses, and to evaluate their compatibility.

For many couples, it's a great way to see if they are truly compatible before deciding if marriage is the right choice for them. Co-habitating offers many insights into a person's habits, personality, and behavior. Sharing a space allows couples to truly get to know one another in a way that they might not if they lived separately.

But cohabitation isn't just about playing house or deepening the relationship—it's an economic necessity for many people. High living expenses mean that many adults must have one or more roommates to split expenses. For many, it makes sense to take that step with the person they are dating.

Research has found that around half of cohabitating couples end up separating. Economic factors appear to play a deciding role in whether couples who live together end up walking down the aisle. Simply put, wealthier couples are more like to wed.  

Living together before marriage may help you save money as a couple, offering greater financial stability and increasing your shared resources. While it might not be particularly romantic, research suggests that this factor alone may increase the likelihood of marriage.

However, moving in together because of economic pressure might mean that neither of you is as committed to the relationship as you might be if you take this step based on desire.

Factors to Consider Before Living Together

Below, Romanoff lists some of the factors to consider while deciding whether to live with your partner before marriage.

Your Reasons for Wanting to Live Together

The first factor to consider is your motivation for moving in with your partner. Partners who move in out of financial convenience or to test their relationship may be less satisfied with their decision in the long run and in turn, may not end up getting married.

This is in contrast to couples who decide to move in together out of their genuine desire to spend more time together and deliberately fuse their lives. You should want to learn more about your partner and progress your relationship.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Remember the importance of choosing your partner because you want to be with them, and don’t let your decisions be made out of fear or convenience.

Your Age and Stage of Life

Age and stage of life are other important considerations. It can be helpful to give each other space to live alone or with friends before taking this step, so that each partner is able to experience a range of independent and peer living situations before committing to living with each other.

Once people have experienced these varied living arrangements, they tend to appreciate their partners and don’t feel as if they are missing out on experiences their peers are having.

Your Conversations With Your Partner

It’s important to make the deliberate decision to move in together instead of casually easing into cohabitation. Sliding into cohabitation can be risky because it bypasses important decisions and conversations that will cause more problems down the road.

For instance, you may slowly start to spend more time at one of your homes and think it makes sense to move in together out of convenience or financial incentive. You may then consider marriage because you’ve lived together for so long, already invested so much time into your partner, and think you might not be able to find someone else at this point in your life.

Instead, it is important to consciously decide to move in together and have conversations with your partner about financial arrangements, who will be responsible for maintaining what, and how space will be allocated to incorporate both people’s values and beliefs.

Implications of Living Together Before Marriage

Moving in with your partner can have significant implications for your relationship. Romanoff outlines some of these below.

Increased Commitment

Before you move in, there are more opportunities for refuge. If you have a fight, are annoyed, or are frustrated with each other, you can always return to your own space .

Moving in means committing to the good and bad in each other and in your relationship. You each are committing to show up and stay together on the good as well as the bad days.

Increased Investment

Moving in together means that you are investing in the relationship in a more substantial way. The next progressive step after moving in is usually a more formal commitment like marriage or alternatively, if things do not work out, a breakup.

Breakups after moving in together are significantly more complicated because you must separate your lives, which tend to become blended in elaborate ways.

Increased Trust

Living together also means that you’re pledging to show each other the parts of yourself that may have remained hidden up until this part of your relationship. You risk vulnerability and exposing all of your little rituals or quirky habits.

You have to trust your partner and make this commitment with the confidence that your relationship will not only survive but will become stronger after knowing these parts of each other.

Pros and Cons of Living Together Before Marriage

Romanoff shares some of the advantages and disadvantages that people commonly experience when they decide to live together before marriage.

You get to know each other better

It can deepen your relationship

It can be a sign of commitment

Feel more confident in your decision to get married

May decrease commitment to marriage

Can lead to staying together even if you're not compatible

You might feel you wasted your time if you break up

It may be harder to move on after a break up

Advantages of Living Together Before Marriage

The advantage of living together before marriage is the opportunity to learn how you would navigate a life together without the internal and external pressure that comes with marriage.

For many, marriage signifies a commitment that cannot be easily undone. The weight of that commitment, especially from family members or friends, can skew problems or conflicts that may arise in a relationship.

Living together may also help boost health and well-being. Research has long shown that marriage provides many health benefits, and evidence also suggests that living together can confer many of these same benefits.

The benefit of living together pre-marriage is that you can learn more about each other, strengthen your joint ability to problem-solve , and reinforce your relationship and ability to navigate stressors , which can instill more confidence in your decision to get married .

Disadvantages of Living Together Before Marriage

The downside of living together before marriage relates to the tendency for some couples to make less of a commitment to each other or feel less content with their arrangement.

Individuals who decide to cohabitate may have different expectations than their partners about the move. It can lead to challenges if one partner has more unconventional ideas about marriage and might grow complacent in this arrangement, whereas the other partner might expect marriage to follow this step.

It is important to consider the meaning of the move to each partner, especially if this move is motivated as a way to postpone making a commitment for one partner. And that meaning should be communicated to and by each partner as well.

Additionally, standards for cohabitating with a partner are usually lower than standards people have for marriage, which could cause some people to regret the time and energy spent on cohabitating if it does not ultimately lead to marriage.

Keep in Mind

If you and your partner have been going steady and you’re starting to think about living together before marriage, you should be sure of your motivations before you move in. You should genuinely want to spend more time with your partner and learn more about them while being open to exposing yourself to them.

It’s also important to discuss finances , responsibilities, expectations for the future, and other important aspects of your relationship with your partner before you move in so you’re both on the same page before you make this commitment.

Pew Research Center’s Social and Demographic Trends Project. Views on marriage and cohabitation in the U.S .

Huang PM, Smock PJ, Manning WD, Bergstrom-Lynch CA. He says, she says: Gender and cohabitation .  J Fam Issues . 2011;32(7):876-905. doi:10.1177/0192513X10397601

Ishizuka P. The economic foundations of cohabiting couples’ union transitions . Demography . 2018;55(2):535-557. doi:10.1007/s13524-018-0651-1

Perelli-Harris B, Hoherz S, Addo F, et al. Do marriage and cohabitation provide benefits to health in mid-life? The role of childhood selection mechanisms and partnership characteristics across countries .  Popul Res Policy Rev . 2018;37(5):703-728. doi:10.1007/s11113-018-9467-3

By Sanjana Gupta Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

Cohabitation Before Marriage Essay

Cohabitation in marriage is a situation where two people decide to live together before they are legally married. This situation is most prevalent commonly in young people who want to escape the pressures of everyday life. This arrangement has got its own merits and demerits. In most cases, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. This condition is not only applicable to young people but also to elder people who, in one way or the other, find themselves in a situation where they have to compromise. This situation has been compounded by the fact that we live in a society where moral values have become a thing of the past. Cohabiting before marriage is also called come we stay. Many people prefer this to legal marriage, but I beg to differ. (Kamp ,2003)

One of the many disadvantages of cohabiting is that in this condition, you are never sure of your partner’s next move. This is due to the fact that there is no binding bond between the two of you. In an ordinary marriage setting, the legal aspects of the marriage are well taken care of in such a way that if anything happened to one of the partners, then there would be no scenarios that would make the other partner miserable. There has been situations where when one partner dies there arise disputes about custody. This is more so, especially where the husband passes away without having left behind a legal document to prove that the woman he was living with was his rightful wife. (Stanley, 2004)

Another disadvantage for cohabiting is that you don’t feel that you have ownership of your partner. In many societies before marriage, you have to pay dowry. This makes you to be recognized by every side of the families unlike the come we stay scenario where in most cases no one knows that you are even staying together. In rare cases this has led to some cases where people have been known to be killed by their partners and legal action couldn’t be taken since no one knew that they were living together at the time. (Kamp ,2003)

There are many other disadvantages for cohabiting before marriage, but the other major one I would like to highlight is the cause of broken families. It’s a proven fact that many of this come we stay arrangements do not last. When a marriage breaks, it also leaves one heartbroken, and this is a cause of great misery and suffering. This has also led to the increase of single parents. This leaves one (especially the mother) on their own to bring up the children. This has impacted on our society negatively. Recent studies show that children brought up to single parents are more lawless than children from a functional family.( Cohan & Kleinbaum,2002)

The only advantage of cohabitation before marriage is that it gives you a chance to get to know your partner well before you get to make the lifetime devotion to stay with them. Many people have been known to break up amicably after realizing that they are better off living apart than being married. This can only be achieved if you live with someone over a time and learn them. (Bumpass & Lu,2000)

It’s only fair that people go for the right way of marriage since the merits outweigh the demerits. This will help bring order to our society when families become more functional. This will also cut down on the government’s expenditure in raising children in care centers whose parents parted ways after disagreeing.

List of References

Bumpass, L. L., & Lu, H. H. (2000). Trends in cohabitation and implications for children s family contexts in the United States. Population Studies , 54 , 29–41.

Cohan, C. L., & Kleinbaum, S. (2002). Toward a greater understanding of the cohabitation effect: Premarital cohabitation and marital communication. Journal of Marriage and Family , 64 , 180–192.

Kamp Dush, C. M., Cohan, C. L., & Amato, P. R. (2003). The relationship between cohabitation and marital quality and stability: Change across cohorts? Journal of Marriage and Family , 65 , 539–549.

Stanley, S. M., Whitton, S. W., & Markman, H. J. (2004). Maybe I do: Interpersonal commitment and premarital or nonmarital cohabitation . Journal of Family Issues , 25 , 496–519.

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The Pros and Cons of Living Together Before Marriage

• Dina writes for The Knot Worldwide, specializing in food, travel and relationships.
• With more than 20 years of experience in service journalism, she also pens articles and recipes for publications, such as Good Housekeeping, Parents, SELF, Health, Men’s Health, Men’s Journal, Prevention, Fine Cooking, Weight Watchers and Diabetic Living.
• Dina graduated from Columbia College, Columbia University and The Institute of Cul ...

Let's set the scene: You and your partner have been dating for a while, and have been planning for a future together . The end of your lease is coming up. And now the question arises: Is it time to take your relationship to the next level living together before marriage? It's an age-old question. And, depending on your background, the answers to this question can be pretty diverse.

What works for one couple doesn't necessarily work for every couple, and there are a lot of factors that can impact your thinking on whether or not to move in together. First, be sure to square away what each of you is ultimately after in the relationship. It could be marriage; it could be a monogamous, long-term commitment without marriage; it could be something else entirely . Whatever the goal, clarify it and get it on the table. Do see yourselves living together for now or a lifetime?

After discussing what it is you want for your futures, it's time to explore the pros and cons of living together before marriage. For insights, we spoke with two experts: Susan Heitler, Ph.D . is a clinical psychologist, marriage therapist and author of The Power of Two . Paige Bond is a relationship coach and a licensed marriage and family therapist at Couples Counseling of Central Florida .

Below, here's what you need to consider when thinking about living together before marriage.

Pros And Cons of Living Together Before Marriage

While shacking up before tying the knot used to be out-of-the-ordinary, it can seem like the opposite nowadays. But whether taking the step is the right step depends on the individual couple. Here's a look at the pros and cons of living together before marriage.

Pro: You'll reduce expenses

One of the biggest living together before marriage benefits is financial. Combining households will cut living costs—a particularly compelling perk especially now, thanks to inflation. Think: shared rent, utilities and groceries. It's no wonder this factor often drives this move, shares Dr. Heitler. As a bonus, you'll learn whether you and your partner are financially compatible , adds Bond.

Pro: Your relationship may deepen

By living together, you'll face more strife and stress head-on. Since this will require problem-solving, you'll likely build communication skills and trust and understanding with your partner. Plus, sharing a home should give you more opportunities to rack up relationship milestones, like shopping for your first couch or hosting your first holiday gathering.

Pro: You'll get a preview of marriage with your partner

"Living together is a really great way to learn about each other," says Bond. "You'll discover each other's quirks and daily routine in a shared living space." Data such as how messy they are, how willing they are to pitch in with chores and whether they listen to you respectfully should offer you more insight into what a lifetime with your partner would look like, adds Dr. Heitler.

Con: You might never take the next step

"The biggest danger with living together is inertia," observes Dr. Heitler. If both partners aren't intentional, they could cohabit for years with no wedding in sight—if marriage and a traditional wedding is what both partners are after. To prevent stagnation, both she and Bond recommend couples impose a time cap (such as six months) on cohabitation and commit upfront to discussing next steps when it ends. "People who want to marry don't want to waste time, and three years is a big waste of time if you're not getting married," adds Bond.

Con: You and your partner might put in less effort

When experiencing the normalcy of every day, you and your partner may become complacent and put in less effort into your relationship. "Every couple, no matter how excited they are about each other initially, will experience a gradual downward slope in the frequency and intensity of their sexual interest in each other," Dr. Heitler explains. When a relationship loses its shine and excitement, couples might become confused, think they chose the wrong partner and call it quits. Some muse that if this occurs after marriage, you'll be more likely to persevere through these challenges.

Ultimately: "It's a matter of putting in the same effort they did during the dating period," stresses Bond.

Con: You might experience confusion

When moving in before marriage, there's the added pressure of figuring out what the commitment means, shares Bond. For instance: one partner might see this move as a test for the relationship, while the other views it as the first step in a progression leading to marriage and children. That's why she urges being intentional with your partner about what this step signifies before you take it.

Your FAQs About Living Together Before Marriage

Living together is becoming more common. In 2019, 59% of American adults ages 18 to 44 had lived with an unmarried partner—more than the share that had ever been married (50%), according to a Pew Research Center analysis of the National Survey of Family Growth . Should you become one of them?

Should you live with your partner before marriage?

"There's no one-size-fits-all answer to this question," says Dr. Heitler, who admits she generally favors spending a lot of time together instead (unless that's impossible financially).

While Bond is more optimistic about living together, she urges making the decision intentionally, ensuring that both partners on the same page. After living together with two of her former partners, she (and her current partner) decided to get engaged before they take that step in the future. It's very different to move in together to see how it goes, versus with the intention of marriage, she explains.

Does living together before marriage lead to divorce?

It's a misconception that living together leads to divorce, says Bond. Studies have shown a correlation between cohabiting and a higher risk of divorce, but many factors contribute to this, she explains. For instance, is the couple fresh out of college and in their first long-term partnership (and thus lacking relationship skills)?

"Living together by itself does not lead to divorce; it's what you do with that time and the intention behind it that could lead to divorce," summarizes Bond. If you're sliding into a decision instead of being intentional, you're likely going to end up breaking up or in an unsatisfying marriage.

Why is living together before marriage frowned upon?

Cohabiting hasn't been common in the U.S. for very long—partly because some Americans perceive the practice as out of line with their religious or cultural values, explains Bond. "It depends on the generation you talk to," she says. Many in Gen-X or older generations might frown upon it; while Millennials and Gen-Zers might have no choice because of the rising cost of living, she adds.

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Home » For You » Relationships

Living Together Before Marriage – Benefits & Drawbacks

Explore both sides of the coin before you decide to share the same roof.

Sarah Kenville has a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and a law degree. She has 8 years of experience and offers premarital counseling and relationship coaching to dating, engaged, newlywed, and same-sex couples. She is pass... read full bio

Sneha has a master's degree in Applied Linguistics from the University of Hyderabad, a professional Relationship Coach diploma, and over four years of experience in writing. She writes about relations... read full bio

Subhrojyoti is an associate editor at StyleCraze with four years of experience. He has a master’s degree in English from Presidency University, Kolkata, and has also done a post-graduate certificate c... read full bio

Gracia Odile is a teacher-turned-beauty and lifestyle writer with three years of professional experience. She has a bachelor's degree in English from St. Stephen's College, a master's in Anthropology ... read full bio

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Living together before marriage was uncommon once upon a time. It is estimated that 50% of couples live together before their wedding ( 1 ). But is living together before marriage a good idea? The answer to this age-old question depends on many factors, such as compatibility, trust, and the age of your relationship. This article explores the benefits of living together before marriage and its drawbacks. Scroll down to find more information.

In This Article

Is Living Together Before Marriage A Good Idea?

Prior to getting into the benefits and drawbacks of cohabitation before marriage, let’s first address a crucial issue: what are your and your partner’s ultimate goals?

You may have already decided to marry your partner, but they haven’t decided yet or even thought about it. This isn’t necessarily a cause for concern, but knowing this information is important. Make a list of what each of you ultimately want out of the relationship. It may be marriage, or it may be living together indefinitely. It could even be living apart from each other, as improbable as that seems.

In a sense, these goals can exist in separate spheres – marriage and living together are not the only two things you can do to secure a lifelong commitment with someone. Other goals can be considered in this scenario, such as living alone, having children, living with children from a previous relationship, living in the same home as your family or friends, etc.

Then, you can each make a list of what you want. Do this on separate sheets of paper first, as it helps to organize your ideas more clearly. Next, trade lists and discuss what is written down. Be honest and take the time to listen to each other’s goals, no matter how out there they seem to you.

Living together before marriage gives you insight into your partner’s personality, habits, quirks, triggers, etc. Now, let’s talk about the pros of living together before marriage.

Benefits Of Living Together Before Marriage: A Stronger And Deeper Relationship

• Living together will help you better understand each other’s expectations , needs, and personalities. It can also provide an opportunity for future planning for a domestic partnership and set realistic relationship goals as per your assumed gender roles.
• Living together will help you better understand the demands of living with another person. Cohabitation can show how each of you responds to living in the same environment and sharing the expenses and household responsibilities. It’s an opportunity for you to learn about each other’s living habits and style, communication skills, and family ties.
• Living together will help you learn new things about your partner that living separately would not. You will see first-hand what makes your significant other tick! You will also begin to understand them better than before, and it will help you feel closer to them.
• Cohabitation before marriage will allow you to plan more effectively for your future as a couple. You can figure out how to divide and manage your finances as a couple. In many ways, it can also help you overcome the fear of commitment.
• Living together before marriage can help you figure out how sexually compatible you are, which is extremely important for any long-term relationship .
• Sharing space before getting married can help you save money for your wedding or a downpayment on a house. It can also help you more quickly pay off any loans you may have.
• The process of planning a wedding is time-consuming and can be exhausting. There are so many things to accomplish and not enough time to do them (on top of your job and everything else you may be doing). One advantage of living together before getting married is you can plan the wedding more efficiently.

Drawbacks Of Living Together Before Getting Married

• You may think that living together forever will be easy, but living with someone requires compromises and patience that living separately does not. While living together can bring you closer to your partner before marriage, living in the same house might cause more problems than it’s worth and even lead to a premature end to the relationship.
• It is said that having more than one serious relationship in the past affects how likely it is that you’ll divorce if you cohabitate before marriage. If you’ve had two or more significant relationships before marriage, living together increases the risk of separation. However, the research behind this claim is not conclusive.
• The more cohabiting partners share living expenses, the less likely they are to marry each other. Sharing living expenses looks logical on paper. After all, living together does make living expenses more affordable. But, there is a price to living together: it becomes increasingly difficult to break up with your partner if you split living costs. However, the problems you two are facing may also prevent you from taking the big marriage step. As a result, your relationship may get stuck in limbo.
• It is said that those who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to become violent towards each other than those living together after getting married. If you’re living with your partner before marriage, avoiding letting conflicts deteriorate into violence and abuse is essential.
• Having friends and family “approve of” living together does not necessarily reduce the risk of separation later on because living together does not necessarily increase the quality of your communication.

A blogger, writes about her experience of being in a cohabiting relationship. She admits that even though the first few months were blissful, the weight of the relationship started setting in. The differences started seeping in with their sleep patterns, sharing of household chores, finances, and sex. Yet she added, “To be honest, if you are thinking of cohabiting I say give it a try knowing that it might actually work out for you and if marriage is the end goal for both of you it might happen ( i ).”

How To Prepare For Living Together Before Marriage

• Be Clear About Your Goals: Be clear about what you ultimately want from living with your partner. Do you want it to culminate in marriage? Or do you just want to live together indefinitely? Talk about what’s important to you and make compromises as needed.
• Set Some Ground Rules: Create ground rules that work best for you. These ground rules could include how much space each person has, how to spend money and budget, dividing chores, living arrangements during holidays, etc. Agreeing on these things before you start living together will make your life easier.
• Communication Is Essential: Don’t assume your partner knows what you want or how you feel. Instead, discuss issues as they arise to avoid any misunderstandings later down the line.
• Discuss Finances Regularly: This may include financial planning in a way you both agree on and, if necessary, having a savings plan in place for big purchases. Take into account any debts each of you have and include a plan to pay them off.
• Involve Your Families Early On: Living with someone changes the dynamics of your relationship. Living together before marriage means interacting with your partner’s family to some degree. If possible, involve the families in decision-making processes that affect your living together. This can save you a lot of stress and frustration.
• Be Realistic About What Living Together May Lead To:

Cohabiting before marriage does not guarantee a long-term commitment . It could be like a trial period for your relationship when you both figure out it will not work out in the long run.

• Compatibility Testing: Before living together, couples should take compatibility tests to assess the extent to which they are compatible with each other. These tests can help them identify their strengths and weaknesses as a couple and work on areas that need improvement.
• Cultural Expectations and Social Stigma: Living together before marriage can also be influenced by cultural expectations and social stigma. Couples should be aware of these factors and be prepared to deal with any challenges that may arise.
• Mutual Respect: Last but not the least, living together requires mutual respect between partners. Couples should respect each other’s opinions, feelings, and decisions, and work towards a healthy and loving relationship.

Infographic: What You Need To Know About Living Together Before Marriage

For a lot of couples, living together can strengthen their bond, but it also comes with challenges. The benefits include better understanding and the opportunity to assess your compatibility. However, the drawbacks, such as potential relationship strain and difficulties in ending the partnership, can’t be ignored. Check out the infographic below to understand the advantages and disadvantages of a live-in relationship.

Living together before marriage has its share of advantages and disadvantages. It helps you understand your partner better, understand each other’s expectations and needs, practice personal boundaries, work on commitment levels, plan the future more effectively, measure compatibility, and manage finances well. On the other hand, it may increase the chances of conflict under certain circumstances, leading to a breakup. So, it is not as easy as it sounds and may not work for everyone. Before you cohabitate, be sure of each other’s goals, talk about finances regularly, and communicate well to reduce the chances of conflicts.

Frequently Asked Questions

What percentage of couples break up after moving in together?

Recent data shows that about 40-50% of couples moving in together may end up having complications in their relationship that may lead them to break up. However, it entirely depends on your mutual understanding and willingness to take the relationship seriously.

How long should couples wait to move in together?

You should at least give yourself 1-2 years of initial dating time before you decide to move in together. Before you take the big leap, you should be aware of each other’s lifestyle and preferences .

Does living together before marriage impact the likelihood of divorce?

Different studies show different results. The likelihood of divorce is not entirely based on the factor of live-in but includes other important aspects, such as age, education, background, health, among other circumstances.

What are some financial considerations when living together before marriage?

Sharing day-to-day expenses, opening a joint account, debt, property ownership, insurance, and emergency funds are important financial considerations for partners.

Are there any religious or cultural perspectives on living together before marriage?

Yes, some religions and cultures view it as a non-conformist, immoral, and unacceptable practice, while in others, it is thought of as a practical approach to test compatibility before marriage.

How can couples navigate the decision of living together before marriage with their families?

Living together before marriage can be a tricky situation, especially if your family holds conservative values. It is better to have an open and honest conversation about it and give the family time to accept it.

What legal rights and responsibilities do couples have when living together before marriage?

The legal rights and responsibilities of couples who are living together before marriage in the US can vary depending on each state. In most of the states, live-in couples are not given the same rights as married couples. This means a live-in couple cannot legally share debt, insurance, healthcare, property rights, and child care and support.

Does living together before marriage affect societal perceptions or judgments?

It can if you live in a conservative society. They may distance you and refuse to accept your relationship as legitimate.

Are there any strategies for resolving conflicts that arise from living together before marriage?

To deal with conflict in a healthy way, it’s advisable to take time to reflect on the fight and process it so that both parties can have an honest conversation about it.

Does living together before marriage affect the timeline for getting engaged or married?

Yes, a couple might take more time to understand each other as they unearth new differences each day. On the other hand, if they work really well together in a live-in, they might want to get hitched earlier than planned too.

Key Takeaways

• While living together is more common than it used to be, there are still certain questions to answer.
• Living together before marriage gives you the time and opportunity to know your partner and test your mutual trust and compatibility.
• Sharing a place and expenses may lead to certain disputes and challenges ahead of marriage.
• Coming to terms with the various aspects of each other’s personalities may lead your relationship either way, based on your mutual level of understanding and willingness.

Personal Experience: Source

StyleCraze's articles are interwoven with authentic personal narratives that provide depth and resonance to our content. Below are the sources of the personal accounts referenced in this article.

Articles on StyleCraze are backed by verified information from peer-reviewed and academic research papers, reputed organizations, research institutions, and medical associations to ensure accuracy and relevance. Read our editorial policy to learn more.

• A Longitudinal Investigation of Commitment Dynamics in Cohabiting Relationships https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/labs/pmc/articles/PMC3377181/
• Fact-checker

Sarah Kenville MA (Marriage and Family Therapy)

Sneha tete beauty & lifestyle writer, subhrojyoti mukherjee associate editor, gracia odile beauty & lifestyle writer, related articles, latest articles, 13 ways to deal with a selfish partner.

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