scholarship value essay

The Winter Cohort application deadline is November 24, 2024! Click here to apply.

Featured Posts

Landing the Albert Shanker Scholarship as a High School Student—6 Things You Should Know

Everything You Need to Know About Rockefeller University's Summer Science Research Program (SSRP)

A Comprehensive Guide to the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign's High School Summer STEMM Research Program

8 Reasons to Participate in the Scratch Olympiad

8 Free Summer Programs for High School Students in Virginia

10 Free Architecture Programs for High School Students

8 Free Online Medical Programs for High School Students in 2024

8 College Summer Programs for High School Students in Massachusetts

10 Free Coding Programs for High School Students

9 AI Research Programs for High School Students

6 Scholarship Essay Examples and What They Got Right (2024)

With rising tuition costs and increasingly competitive admissions, scholarships have become very important for students to fund their education and demonstrate their academic strength relative to other applicants. But to earn competitive scholarships, it’s not enough to just be a strong student or get involved in your community—scholarship essays are a crucial part of the application.

Many students will be eligible to apply for a given scholarship, making selection difficult. What makes an applicant different from others with eligible backgrounds and identical grades or test scores? Scholarship essays provide context on applicants’ character and aspirations, and why they represent the kind of student that scholarships hope to support. In these essays, students must justify why they are the ideal recipient, how they fit the mission of the scholarship and/or organization, and why the scholarship money would be a meaningful investment in their future.

With these high stakes, it’s reasonable to be nervous about how to approach these essays. In this post, we’ll look at 6 essays that worked—and why they were so effective.

Note: For the sake of concision, the in-text essay examples only include the first ~200 words. Links to the full text of each essay can be found at the bottom of the article.

Scholarship: New York University College of Arts and Science Scholarship ( $39,500 )

Prompt: Explain something that made a big impact in your life.

“If you can’t live off of it, it is useless.” My parents were talking about ice skating: my passion. I started skating as a ten-year-old in Spain, admiring how difficulty and grace intertwine to create beautiful programs, but no one imagined I would still be on the ice seven years and one country later. Even more unimaginable was the thought that ice skating might become one of the most useful parts of my life.

I was born in Mexico to two Spanish speakers; thus, Spanish was my first language. We then moved to Spain when I was six, before finally arriving in California around my thirteenth birthday. Each change introduced countless challenges, but the hardest part of moving to America, for me, was learning English. Laminated index cards, color-coded and full of vocabulary, became part of my daily life. As someone who loves to engage in a conversation, it was very hard to feel as if my tongue was cut off. Only at the ice rink could I be myself; the feeling of the cold rink breeze embracing me, the ripping sound of blades touching the ice, even the occasional ice burning my skin as I fell—these were my few constants. I did not need to worry about mispronouncing “axel” as “aksal.” Rather, I just needed to glide and deliver the jump.

Essay strengths

Strong opening and thematic consistency: The essay opens with a striking quote that immediately engages the reader and introduces the theme. This theme of passion vs. practicality is explored in-depth throughout the piece, creating a cohesive narrative.

Vivid sensory details and imagery: The author uses clear, descriptive language to immerse the reader in their experiences. Phrases like "the feeling of the cold rink breeze embracing me" and using pronunciation errors to show the contrast between the author’s skill and youth make the essay more exciting. A boring essay is rarely a successful one!

Reflection and insight: The essay concludes with a nuanced reflection on the value of pursuits that may not be directly profitable but are nonetheless enriching. This shows strong character development and self-insight, and the ability to challenge the discouraging comment that opens the essay.

Scholarship: Fund for Education Abroad Rainbow Scholarship ($7,500)

Prompt: The Fund for Education Abroad is committed to diversifying education abroad by providing funding to students who are typically under-represented in study abroad. Please describe how you and/or your plans for study abroad could be viewed as under-represented.

“Oh well look at that one,” my uncle leans over and says about my brother-in-law in the living room wearing a dress. “I’d always had my suspicions about him,” he jokes with a disapproving sneer and leans back in his chair, a plate of Southern-style Christmas dinner in his hand.

I was hurt. Why would my own uncle say that like it’s such a terrible thing that my brother-in-law is wearing a dress? That it was the worst thing in the world if my brother-in-law were gay or effeminite.

“I think he looks beautiful,” my oldest brother Ethan chimes in. At that moment, I wish I could have hugged Ethan. No, not because he was defending my brother-in-law (who actually isn’t gay, as my uncle was suggesting), but because Ethan was defending me. My uncle has no idea that I recognized earlier this past year that heterosexuality wasn’t meeting all of my needs for intimacy with other people and that I’ve come to define myself as queer. It all started when I took a hard look at how my upbringing in Miami had taught me that the only way that boys are supposed to connect with others is by having sex with “beautiful” girls–that intimacy with other guys or “ugly” girls isn’t as meaningful.

Powerful “hook”: The essay starts with a dialogue-driven scene that immediately pulls the reader into the narrator’s family context and establishes the central conflict.

Unique approach to the prompt: The essay directly addresses how the author's queer and polyamorous identity makes them underrepresented in study abroad programs. Addressing a less common identity spoken about in scholarship or diversity essays, the author uses a compelling approach to the prompt and a creative motivation for studying abroad.

Compelling conclusion with a vision for change: The essay ends with a creative series of "fade-in" scenes, illustrating the writer's goal of promoting tolerance through his experiences abroad. The author broadens the scope of his narrative by showing the relevance of his own experiences to others with similar identities, proving that this opportunity would support his community at large, not just himself.

Scholarship: Questbridge Finalist essay earning $3,000 in application waivers plus $3,000 in local scholarships

Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Recall the most cherished memory with your father figure. For some it may be when he taught you how to ride a bike, for others it may be memories of him taking you out for pizza when mom said the family has to eat healthy, for others it’s the ability to confide in somebody that won’t judge or stop loving you because of the mistakes you have made. When a child is born, he or she is given a birth certificate, which provides information such as name, date and place of birth, but most importantly it provides the names of the parents of the child. On my birth certificate I have the name of my beloved mother Lurvin, but right above her name is an empty space where my father’s name should be.

As a child I would often compare my life to my peers; I would often go through all of these hypothetical scenarios in my mind thinking, “If my dad were around I could be like all of the other boys.” As the years went by I always had a sense of optimism that one day I would meet him and he would tell me “I love you and I’ll never leave your side again.” But when the time came and I met him on January 2014 I learned that a man can reject his only son not once, but twice.

Compelling opening and thematic consistency: The essay begins with a thought-provoking question about memories with father figures, immediately setting up the contrast with the author's own experience. This theme of accepting and moving past his father’s absence, despite wishing things could be different, is explored in greater depth throughout the piece.

Powerful use of numbers and metaphor: The author uses the number of days (5,900) to show the impact his father's absence had on his early life—counting the precise number of days also demonstrates the continued emotional impact his father’s absence had on the author. The Y chromosome metaphor is another creative metaphor for the emotional distance between the author and his biological father.

Specific examples of achievements: The writer provides concrete examples of his accomplishments (Boy's State program, Young Senator's Leadership Program, wrestling) to illustrate the exact ways he’s overcome these challenges and become a confident leader. It’s important not just to state that you’ve grown in essays but to explain how you got there and why it matters.

Prompt: What differentiates you from the hundreds of DACA students who apply to our scholarship? Use one of those opportunities to tell us something else we cannot see just by looking at your grades, test scores, and transcripts.

“I always knew I was different than my friends in some way. Growing up, I struggled to speak English while everyone else had little to no problems. I needed extra help in school while my friends coasted by with ease. My friends would hop on planes and travel all around the world while I had to stay at home. At the age of 13 all of my friends started driving while I still couldn’t.

I built up the courage and asked my mother why I did not have access to the simple liberties everyone else did. My name Is Jesus Adrian Arroyo-Ramirez, and I was illegally brought to this country when I was just six years old. At the time I had no clue that I was breaking any laws, and I did not realize the fact that my life was going to change forever. Growing up with a different citizenship situation than my peers was and still is the biggest challenge I have to face in my life.

Nuanced description of experiences: While all essays for this scholarship must discuss the applicant’s DACA status, this author emphasizes a unique element—he was unaware of this trait for many years. Discussing how learning about this part of his identity was a struggle in itself adds depth to the essay narrative.

Emphasis on resilience and achievement: The essay demonstrates how the author's challenges became a source of motivation, leading to impressive academic achievements. This shows determination and the ability to overcome adversity; while not directly mentioned in the prompt, diversity-based scholarships always want to see this element in the essay narrative.

Scholarship: NC Parks (Four-year scholarship to NC State University)

Prompt: What do you do to serve your community? Why do you do the service that you do? What impact have you made? What challenges or insights have your service contributions given you?

“What are the boys like in high school?” “Is it easy to get a boyfriend?” Sighing, the other frustrated leaders and I look at each other as we read the questions posed by the younger girls. Every year at Girls’ Night Out (GNO), a program that introduces and prepares eighth-grade girls for high school, the girls question the leaders about relationships and dating ad nauseum, irritating other leaders to the point of ignoring the questions.

Giving each question a careful and deliberate answer is often difficult, but instead of disregarding the issue, I try to offer my most sincere and honest advice. Originally, when I began as a group leader in the program I would give the same response, “You shouldn’t worry about boys. Instead, enjoy your friends, and do things you enjoy.” While that advice is true, it is often not the answer that will satisfy the girls. Through many years in the program, I have learned that advice is not “one size fits all”; it must be individualized to the person’s needs. Now, when faced with a question about dating, I respond with more questions before giving “words of wisdom”.

Strong “hook” and opening anecdote: The essay begins with a dialogue-based scene from Girls' Night Out, showing the narrator’s outgoing personality and ability to mentor others in a “fun” environment. The author maintains this “show, don’t tell” writing style throughout the essay, ensuring that the reader doesn’t lose interest.

Multiple service experiences: The essay discusses two different volunteer roles (Girls' Night Out and the food pantry), which shows a commitment to serving her community through multiple avenues. While Girls’ Night Out is a more informal and lighthearted way of making younger girls feel welcome at school, the food pantry serves the essential needs of those outside her immediate community.

Prompt: Discuss in your essay any challenges or obstacles you have dealt with and overcome in life and how this will help you succeed in college and beyond. Describe how volunteer, community service or extra-curricular activities have shaped who you are today and what it has taught you. May also include future educational plans and career goals.

I have encountered an emotional barrier making it difficult to manage my schoolwork, extracurricular activities and family responsibilities. I have had to deal with being viciously raped by a peer during my sophomore year, resulting in severe depression. I am no longer allowed to be alone for a long period of time, as I’ve attempted to commit suicide twice, but I do not regard those as true attempts to end my life. I just wanted someone to know how I felt and how much I needed help.

My past has only made me more resilient, as I choose to prove to myself and those around me that I am more than the barriers I’ve encountered–but overcome.

It took a 3,000- mile flight for me to gain a different perspective of my world. Landing in Maine was nothing like home. There was no traffic, lots of trees, and absolutely no Spanish to be heard anywhere. I was a 10th grader when I found myself at Coastal Studies for Girls, a marine science and leadership school; I would be there for a whole semester. I was surrounded by strangers who looked different, sounded different, and could recite tide pool specifics in casual conversation.

Powerful opening with vulnerability: The essay begins with a candid disclosure of personal trauma and mental health struggles. This immediately establishes the author's resilience and sets a tone of honesty that engages the reader. Most applicants are hesitant to draw from deeply traumatic experiences; this author takes the risk in order to show a truly impressive recovery and story of success.

Contrast and metaphor: The description of the author's experience in Maine illustrates her journey outside the struggles she faced in earlier years. The large geographic distance serves as a metaphor for gaining an emotional distance and recovery from a harmful environment.

Layered challenges to overcome: While the essay opens with a discussion of trauma, the author later addresses the challenges her first-generation and immigrant status have added to her pursuit of higher education. She takes her essay to the next level by showing how she’s not only overcome these obstacles but also started initiatives to ensure that students with similar backgrounds are supported in their own educational goals.

Full Text of Essays

One other option—Lumiere Research Scholar Program

If you are interested in doing university-level research, then you could consider applying to the Lumiere Research Scholar Program , a selective online high school program for students that I founded with researchers at Harvard and Oxford. Last year, we had over 4,000 students apply for 500 spots in the program! You can find the application form here.

Also check out the Lumiere Research Inclusion Foundation , a non-profit research program for talented, low-income students.

Stephen is one of the founders of Lumiere and a Harvard College graduate. He founded Lumiere as a Ph.D. student at Harvard Business School. Lumiere is a selective research program where students work 1-1 with a research mentor to develop an independent research paper.

college applications
high school students

What are your chances of acceptance?

Calculate for all schools, your chance of acceptance.

Your chancing factors

Extracurriculars.

How to Write a Personal Statement for a Scholarship + Examples

What’s covered:, what is the purpose of the scholarship personal statement, what to include in your personal statement, personal statement example: breakdown + analysis, how to make sure your writing is effective.

Either before or after you’ve gotten into your dream school, you’ll have to figure out how to pay for it. For most students, this involves a combination of financial aid, parent contributions, self-contributions, student loans, and scholarships/grants. Because scholarships are money out of someone else’s pocket that you never have to pay back, they are a great place to start!

Scholarships come in two forms: merit-based and need-based. Need-based scholarships are also often called grants. These designations tell you whether an organization looks at your financial situation when deciding about your scholarship.

Additionally, different scholarships fall under different categories based on the mission of the organization or person providing the scholarship’s financing. These missions typically emphasize different things like academic achievement, specific career goals, community service, leadership, family background, skill in the arts, or having overcome hardship. As you select scholarships to apply for and complete your applications, you should keep these missions in mind.

No matter what type of scholarship you are applying for, you will be asked to provide the review committee with standard materials. This includes your transcript, GPA, and resume/extracurriculars, but also, importantly, your personal statement. A scholarship personal statement is a bit different from your normal college essay, so we’ve put together this guide and some examples to help you get started!

The purpose of your personal statement is to help a review committee learn more about your personality, values, goals, and what makes you special. Ultimately, like with your college essays, you are trying to humanize your profile beyond your transcript, GPA, and test scores.

College essays all have one goal in mind (which is why you can apply to multiple schools at once through applications like the Common App or Coalition App): convince admissions officers that you would be a valuable addition to the university environment. The goal of your scholarship personal statement is different and differs more from one scholarship to the next. Rather than convincing various review committees that you are a generally good candidate for extra funding for college, you need to convince each review committee that your values have historically aligned with their organization’s mission and will continue to align with their organization’s mission.

Common missions amongst those who give scholarships include:

Providing opportunities for students with career ambitions in a particular field
Helping students who have experienced unexpected hardship
Supporting students who show outstanding academic achievement
Funding the arts through investing in young artists with strong technical skill
Supporting the development of civic-minded community service leaders of the future
Providing opportunities for historically underrepresented ethnic communities

If a specific mission like this is outlined on an organization’s website or in the promotional material for its scholarship, the purpose of your personal statement is to show how you exemplify that mission.

Some scholarships ask for your personal statement to be guided by a prompt, while others leave things open for interpretation. When you are provided a prompt, it is obvious what you must do: answer the prompt. When you are not provided a prompt, you want to write a personal statement that is essentially a small-scale autobiography where you position yourself as a good investment. In either case, you should identify a focus or theme for what you are trying to say about yourself so that your application does not get lost in the shuffle.

Prompts include questions like:

Why do you deserve this scholarship?
How have you shown your commitment to (leadership/community service/diversity) in your community?
When did you overcome adversity?
Why is attending college important to you?

If you are provided a prompt, develop a theme for your response that showcases both your values and your achievements. This will help your essay feel focused and will subsequently help the review committee to remember which candidate you were as they deliberate.

Themes include things like:

I deserve this community service scholarship because my compassion for intergenerational trauma has inspired me to volunteer with a local after-school program. I didn’t just sympathize. I did something about my sympathy because that’s the type of person I am. Within the program, I have identified avenues for improvement and worked alongside full-time staff to develop new strategies for increasing attendance.
I overcame adversity when my mother had to have a major surgery two months after giving birth to my younger brother. I was just a kid but was thrown into a situation where I had to raise another kid. It was hard, but I’m the kind of person who tries to grow from hard times and, through my experience taking care of a baby, I learned the importance of listening to body language and nonverbal cues to understand the needs of others (baby and nonbaby, alike).

Without a prompt, clarity can be harder to achieve. That said, it is of the utmost importance that you find a focus. First, think about both your goals and your values.

Types of goals include:

Career goals
Goals for personal growth
The type of friend you want to be
The change you want to make in the world

Values could include:

Authenticity
And many more!

After you write out your goals/values, write out your achievements to see what goals/values you have “proof” of your commitment to. Your essay will ultimately be an exploration of your goal/value, what you have done about your goal/value in the past, and what you aspire to in the future.

You might be tempted to reflect on areas for improvement, but scholarships care about you living out your values. It is not enough to aspire to be exemplary in leadership, community service, or your academic field. For scholarships, you have to already be exemplary.

Finally, keep in mind that the review committee likely already has a copy of your extracurricular activities and involvement. Pick one or two accomplishments, then strive for depth, not breadth as you explore them.

My interest in the field of neuroscience began at a young age. When I was twelve years old, my sister developed a condition called Pseudotumor Cerebri following multiple concussions during a basketball game. It took the doctors over six months to make a proper diagnosis, followed by three years of treatment before she recovered. During this time, my love for neuroscience was sparked as I began to research her condition and, then, other neurocognitive conditions. Later, my love of neuroscience was amplified when my mother began to suffer from brain-related health issues. My mother had been a practicing attorney in Dallas for over twenty years. She was a determined litigator who relentlessly tried difficult cases that changed people’s lives. Now, she suffers from a cognitive impairment and is no longer able to practice law. Oftentimes, she has headaches, she gets “cloudy,” her executive functioning slows down, she feels overwhelmed, and she forgets things. My mother has gone from being the strong, confident, emotional and financial caretaker of our family to needing significant help on a daily basis. Once again, with this illness came a lot of research on my part — research that encouraged me to pursue my dreams of exploring neuroscience.

Due to my experiences with my mother and sister when I was in middle school, I knew that I wanted to make a difference in the field of neuroscience. I also knew that, to obtain this goal, I needed to maintain superior grades in school while also pursuing opportunities outside of school to further my education. In school, I was able to maintain superior grades to the point where I am currently valedictorian in a class of 567 students. In addition, in school, I challenged myself by taking 16 Advanced Placement classes and 19 Honors classes. Two of the most beneficial classes were AP Capstone Seminar and AP Capstone Research. AP Capstone Seminar and AP Capstone Research are research-oriented classes where students are given the opportunity to pursue whatever track their research takes them down. As a junior in AP Capstone Seminar, I researched the effects of harmful pesticide use on the prevalence of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) in children. This year, as a senior in AP Capstone Research, I am learning about the effects of medical marijuana on the treatment of Multiple Sclerosis (MS).

Outside of school, I furthered my education through taking advantage of the Duke TiP summer program. Duke TiP is a summer program run by Duke University where students who score extremely well on the SAT as middle schoolers are able to take college classes at different universities throughout the summers of their middle school and high school years. I took advantage of this opportunity twice. First, I went to Trinity University in San Antonio to expand my horizons and learn more about debate. However, once I was done exploring, I decided I wanted to go into neuroscience. This led me to take an Abnormal Psychology class at Duke University’s West Campus. This class opened my eyes to the interaction between neuroscience and mental health, mental illness, and personality. Years later, I am currently continuing my education outside of school as an intern at the University of Texas Dallas Center for Brain Health. Through this internship, I have been able to see different aspects of neuroscience including brain pattern testing, virtual reality therapy, and longitudinal research studies. With this background, I have positioned myself to be accepted by top neuroscience programs throughout the nation. So far, I have been accepted to the neuroscience department of University of Southern California, the University of Virginia, the University of Texas, and Southern Methodist University, as well as the chemistry department at University of North Carolina–Chapel Hill.

It is with this passion for neuroscience driven by my family and passion for education driven by internal motivation that I will set out to conquer my career objectives. My educational aspirations consist of acquiring a bachelor’s degree in a biological or health science that would assist me in pursuing a medical career as a neuroscience researcher. I decided to attain a career as a researcher since my passion has always been assisting others and trying to improve their quality of life. After obtaining my Masters and my PhD, I plan to become a professor at a prestigious university and continue performing lab research on cognitive disorders. I am particularly interested in disorders such as Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). In the lab, I hope to find different therapies and medications to help treat the 3.5 million people around the world suffering from ASD. Furthermore, I want to contribute back to underserved populations that struggle because they do not have as much access to medical assistance as other privileged groups. As such, I hope to do a part of my research in less developed or developing Spanish-speaking countries. This will also allow me to pursue my love of Spanish while pursuing my love of neuroscience. I think that following such a career path will provide me the opportunity to learn about the medical needs of the autistic community and improve their quality of health. Furthermore, I hope to train a new generation of students to strive to research and make comparable discoveries. Whether it be through virtual reality labs or new drug discoveries, I believe that research leads to innovation which leads to a brighter future.

This student does a great job of making themself appear competent and dedicated to the field of neuroscience. This is primarily because they provided tangible evidence of how they have pursued their dedication in the past—through their AP Capstone courses, their Abnormal Psychology class at Duke TiP, and their internship at UTD. There is no doubt in the mind of a reader that this student is high-achieving.

This student also engages successfully with a past-future trajectory, where they end with a vision of how they will continue to use neuroscience in the future. This helps the review committee see what they are investing in and the ways that their money will go to good use.

This student has two major areas for improvement. As we have said, the purpose of a personal statement is for a student to humanize themself to a review committee. This student struggles to depict themself separately from their academic achievements. A solution to this would be for the student to establish a theme towards the beginning of their essay that relates to both their values as a human and their achievements.

At the beginning of the essay, the student explores how their interest in neuroscience began. They explain their interest through the following sentences: “During this time, my love for neuroscience was sparked as I began to research her condition and, then, other neurocognitive conditions” and “Once again, with this illness came a lot of research on my part — research that encouraged me to pursue my dreams of exploring neuroscience.” The student made the great decision to tell the backstory of their interest, but they described their research in very mundane and redundant terms. Instead, they could have focused on their value of intellectual curiosity as a magnetic force that encouraged them to research their mother and sister’s ailments. Curiosity, then, could serve as a value-related thematic throughline to taking AP Capstone classes, taking college courses during the summer that weren’t required, and interning before even graduating high school.

A second area for improvement would be avoiding statistics. As the student identifies their valedictorian status and the number of AP classes they have taken, they might turn away certain personalities on a review committee by appearing braggy. Even further, these statistics are a waste of space. The review committee already has access to this information. These words distract from the major theme of the essay and would have been better used to humanize the student.

Throughout my academic career, I have been an avid scholar, constantly pushing myself towards ambitious goals. I held and continue to hold myself to a high standard, enrolling myself in rigorous curriculum, including Honors and Advanced Placement courses to stretch my mental potential. During my junior year of high school, I took four AP tests, two on the same day, and earned the AP Scholar with Honor Award. Additionally, I received the Letter of Commendation for the PSAT/NMSQT, and qualified for Rotary Top 100 Students both my freshman and senior year, a sign of my commitment to my studies. However, school has not been all about having the best GPA for me; beyond the numbers, I have a deep drive to learn which motivates me to do well academically. I truly enjoy learning new things, whether it be a new essay style or a math theorem. I always give each class my best effort and try my hardest on every assignment. My teachers have noticed this as well, and I have received school Lancer Awards and Student of the Month recognitions as a result. It is a major goal of mine to continue to aspire towards a high level of achievement regarding future educational and occupational endeavors; I plan on continuing this level of dedication throughout my educational career and implementing the skills I have learned and will learn into my college experience and beyond.

This fall, I will begin attending the University of California Los Angeles as an English major. I chose this major because I am fascinated by written language, especially its ability to convey powerful messages and emotions. I also enjoy delving into the works of other authors to analyze specific components of their writing to discover the meaning behind their words. In particular, I cannot wait to begin in-depth literary criticism and learn new stylistic techniques to add more depth to my writing. Furthermore, I recently went to UCLA’s Bruin Day, an event for incoming freshmen, where I was exposed to many different extracurriculars, some of which really piqued my interest. I plan on joining the Writing Success Program, where I can help students receive free writing help, and Mock Trial, where I can debate issues with peers in front of a real judge. The latter, combined with a strong writing background from my undergraduate English studies will be extremely beneficial because I plan to apply to law school after my undergraduate degree. As of now, my career goal is to become a civil rights lawyer, to stand up for those who are discriminated against and protect minority groups to proliferate equality.

As a lawyer, I wish to utilize legislation to ameliorate the plight of the millions of Americans who feel prejudice and help them receive equity in the workplace, society, and so on. Though this seems a daunting task, I feel that my work ethic and past experience will give me the jumpstart I need to establish myself as a successful lawyer and give a voice to those who are often unheard in today’s legal system. I have been a Girl Scout for over a decade and continually participate in community service for the homeless, elderly, veterans, and more. My most recent project was the Gold Award, which I conducted in the Fullerton School District. I facilitated over ten workshops where junior high students taught elementary pupils STEM principles such as density and aerodynamics via creative activities like building aluminum boats and paper airplanes. I also work at Kumon, a tutoring center, where I teach students to advance their academic success. I love my job, and helping students from local schools reach their potential fills me with much pride.

Both being a Girl Scout and working at Kumon have inspired me to help those in need, contributing significantly to my desire to become a lawyer and aid others. My extracurriculars have allowed me to gain a new perspective on both learning and teaching, and have solidified my will to help the less fortunate. In college, I hope to continue to gain knowledge and further develop my leadership skills, amassing qualities that will help me assist others. I plan to join multiple community service clubs, such as UCLA’s local outreach programs that directly aid residents of Los Angeles. I want to help my fellow pupils as well, and plan on volunteering at peer tutoring and peer editing programs on campus. After college, during my career, I want to use legal tactics to assist the underdog and take a chance on those who are often overlooked for opportunities. I wish to represent those that are scared to seek out help or cannot afford it. Rather than battling conflict with additional conflict, I want to implement peaceful but strong, efficient tactics that will help make my state, country, and eventually the world more welcoming to people of all ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds. These goals are close to my heart and therefore I will be as diligent as I am passionate about them. My perseverance and love for learning and community service drive my ambition in both education and life as a whole, and the drive to make the world a better place is one that I will carry with me for my entire life.

This student emphasizes two values in this essay: hard work and community service. These are values that go together nicely, and definitely make sense with this student’s end goal of becoming a civil rights lawyer! That said, some changes could be made to the way the student presents their values that would make their personal statement more convincing and engaging.

Structurally, instead of using a past-future trajectory, this student starts by explaining their academic achievements, then explains their career goals, then explains their history of community service, then explains their future desires for community service. This structure loses the reader. Instead, the student should have started with either the past or the future.

This could look like 1) identifying their career goals, 2) explaining that hard work and a commitment to community service are necessary to get there, and 3) explaining that they aren’t worried because of their past commitment to hard work and community service. Or it could look like 1) providing examples of their hard work and community service in the past, then 2) explaining how those values will help them achieve their career goals.

Additionally, like with our other example, this student shows a heavy investment in statistics and spouting off accomplishments. This can be unappealing. Unfortunately, even when the student recognizes that they are doing this, writing “beyond the numbers, I have a deep drive to learn which motivates me to do well academically. I truly enjoy learning new things, whether it be a new essay style or a math theorem,” they continue on to cite their achievements, writing “My teachers have noticed this as well, and I have received school Lancer Awards and Student of the Month recognitions as a result.” They say they are going beyond the numbers, but they don’t go beyond the awards. They don’t look inward. One way to fix this would be to make community service the theme around which the essay operates, supplementing with statistics in ways that advance the image of the student as dedicated to community service.

Finally, this student would be more successful if they varied their sentence structure. While a small-scale autobiography can be good, if organized, every sentence should not begin with ‘I.’ The essay still needs to be engaging or the review committee might stop reading.

Feedback is ultimately any writer’s best source of improvement! To get your personal statement edited for free, use our Peer Review Essay Tool . With this tool, other students can tell you if your scholarship essay is effective and help you improve your essay so that you can have the best chances of gaining those extra funds!